Thank you for everything

I have an hour before I have to go help some friends out with an errand, but I wanted to write this here.

Thank you for everything. Even though it’s over, I think I’m at the point where I can say thank you.

I can’t say I’ve totally moved on yet, if I did that would be a lie. But I am at the point where I know it’s over, and where I can learn to incorporate how I felt and what I went through in the years I was with you into how I will live my life from now on. I write this here, so that if you ever think to look here again, you can see it of your own choice. I don’t want to thrust these things onto you while you may still want distance.

Thank you for all the times we spent together playing games together. I stopped caring about single player games and started to only care about the times where we did things together.

Thank you for all the times you called me pet names. It made me feel very warm and cared for inside. Few things have ever made me feel special in my entire life, but you did whenever you called me any name, no matter how silly it was, that came into your mind.

Thank you for all the times we cuddled in my bed together, no matter how small it was. My bed really was so much more comfortable. It was hard to sleep in it after you were gone.

Thank you for all the times we cooked simple, small meals together. I learned that cooking is actually pretty fun, and I enjoyed helping out whenever I could.

Thank you for teaching me what it felt like to be intimate with another person. Especially when we first began this, I felt elated all the time. Thank you.

Thank you for putting up with me during my really random, hard to follow moments. Even being tolerated during those times was a sign you really cared for me.

Thank you for all the times you let me comb your hair with my fingers, rub your feet, your back, and even your stomach, which you were so scared to let anyone do. I felt like you really trusted me.

Thank you for the times you were there for me when I was feeling sad. I learned that, for my future relationships, I need this big time. I need someone to always be happy to hug me and support me when I feel down. Thank you for this insight.

Thank you for the times where you rested your head on my shoulder when you were tired while we were spending time with others. I really felt special when you did this with me.

Thank you for inviting me along to most of your family parties. Through you, your mom, your dad, and for the short time I saw her, your sister, I felt like I really had two families.

Thank you for the times when you did help out with financial responsibilities, like helping pay for gas and everything. When you did, it made me feel like you were thinking of me and the work I was putting into things.

Thank you for always telling me I looked fine when I was ragging on my own looks.Thank you for telling me you were attracted to me, whenever I felt really ugly and unattractive. I’m sorry I doubted it so much.

Thank you for the moments where you were really silly and goofy. I learned I want this a lot in my next relationship: to have someone who’s playful and carefree.

Thank you for all the times you smiled and then looked away, embarrassed. I want someone with a great smile in the future like you had.

Thank you for the times where we did argue, even if they were relatively few in number. They helped me realize how I want to argue in the future.

Thank you for all the times you cried in my presence. I’m sorry I ever asked you to not cry in the past: I was scared of what crying meant, and you taught me, as I cry now, that crying is a healthy, and perfectly acceptable thing to do. I hope to find someone who can cry around me too.

Thank you for all the times you went into long rants about things you loved to talk about. I want this in the future too: someone who has no problems telling me about something they love for hours on end as I cuddle with them under blankets.

Thank you for being there for me for almost four years, loving me for a lot of it.

And, on some level, I guess I should thank you for breaking up with me, even if it hurts. I don’t know why you did it, and you seem to not want to tell me at all, but I think that’s okay. I don’t think it would fix anything. I think all my heart was seeking was some sign you wanted to get back together.

I learned so much from the relationship we had. I had infinitely more positive experiences than negative ones. I didn’t beat myself up when it ended, and while I did feel sad, it wasn’t a self loathing sad. For a while I felt like I was inadequate: like if something about me had been different, this wouldn’t have happened.

I will always miss cuddling with you, holding you in my arms, seeing you smile, hearing your laugh, and hearing you say I love you to me. But I know that for all the times I was able to experience those things, I became that much more of a better person for having experienced that love with you. 

I will grow as a person from this loss of  relationship so that I can have a happier, joy filled future with someone who I have yet to meet. Maybe one day, we’ll see each other again, far in the future, and talk about our lives. Talk about what happened, who we met, who we spent time with.

But I know that I need to live, and love another, with the experience I gained loving and caring for you.

Thank you for everything. I really mean it.

I hope nothing but the best for you in the future, and I’ll always care for you. I hope your life turns out just how you want it to.

I don’t know where this sudden surge of loneliness came from but I really hate it.

I’ve gone from grieving a lost relationship, to feeling deprived of a really basic, simple need.

Loneliness is a horrible feeling.

I forgot about this song, and this video. Until now. This song is perfect right now.

I got some bad news this morning
Which in turn made my day
When this someone spoke I listened
All of a sudden, has less and less to say
Ohhhhhh how could this be?
All this time, I’ve lived vicariously
Who’s gonna save my soul now?
Who’s gonna save my soul now?
How will my story ever be tollllld now?
How will my story be tollllld now?

Made me feel like somebody
Hmmm, like somebody else
Although he was imitated often
It felt like I was bein myself
Is it a shame that someone else’s song
Was totally and completely dependent on
Who’s gonna save my soul now?
Who’s gonna save my soul now?
I wonder if I’ll live to grow old now
Gettin high cause I feel so lowwwww down

And maybe it’s a little selfish
All I have is the memory
Yet I never stopped to wonder-ahhhhh
Was it possible you were hurtin worse than me
Still my hunger turns to greeeeed
Cause what about what I neeeeeed?!
And OHHHH~! Who’s gonna save my soul now?
Who’s gonna save my soul now?
Ohhhh I know I’m out of control now
Oooh-oooh, tired enough to lay my own soul down
I’ve seen it with my own eyes
How we’re gettin’ otherwise 
Without the luxury of leavin’
The touch and feeling of free is 
Untangible technically 
Something you’ve got to believe in
Connect the cause and effect 
One foot in front of the next 
This is the start of a journey. 
And my mind is already gone 
And though there are other unknowns
Somehow this doesn’t concern me.

And you can stand right there if you want
But I’m going on 
And I’m prepared to go it alone
I’m going on
To a place in the sun that’s nice and warm
I’m going on

And I’m sure they’ll have a place for you too oohoohoo

Anyone that needs what they want, and doesn’t want what they need 
I want nothing to do with
And to do what I want 
And to do what I please 
Is first of my to-do list
But every once in a while I think about her smile
One of the few things I do miss
But baby I‘ve to go
Baby I’ve got to know
Baby I’ve got to prove it

And I’ll see you when you get there
But I’m going on
And I’m prepared to go it alone
I’m going on
May my love lift you up to the place you belong
I’m going on
And I promise I’ll be waiting for you oohoohoo

Ugh. Not even my dreams allow me a reprieve from my nagging, frightening and sad emotional state. I thought sleeping would be the one place where I could be happy again but instead I was locked in a horrible nightmare for hours and hours, trying desperately to stop something and constantly failing.

I just don’t know anything anymore.

I have one major, major weakness, and I’m willing to admit it, because I think admitting it will help me come to terms with it.

I am extremely uncomfortable around autistic people. To the point where it completely throws off everything I am thinking, feeling, and experiencing.

It’s not my only problem. I also am “disrupted” and thrown off a lot by extremely zealous individuals. But they’re definitely different. Although in the few cases where I have met the rare combination of a zealous autistic person, I have come to be very uncomfortable around them, to the point of beginning to lose control of my temper.

It’s very odd… because a few people I enjoy doing things with are very noticeably autistic. It’s strange, but I actually do have a trigger: it’s being in the presence of people my mind easily recognizes as autistic.

And of course this leads to a very conflicting issue. I have people I enjoy being around who do not trigger me at all, but they are consistently in the presence of people who do.

And actually, as I come to think about it, it may be less about autism, and more certain specific traits. Being around people who are socially awkward seems to be the biggest problem for me. It may be a lack of charisma or finesse in speaking and interacting with others that bothers me.

But that may only be one factor of it. I take it back, it likely is mostly about autism. But within it, there are many things that bother me.

I knew a student at my college, who was very severely autistic. He made many motions with his arms, like flailing them up and down and making very strange noises while doing so. He also frequently stuck his hand down his pants, picked his nose, and ate the resulting gold he dug out from his nasal mines. 

It infuriated me and disgusted me. I refused to touch things he touched. I refused to do anything with him. I went to every possible extent to never talk with him. I wanted him gone, and had good reason to seek his removal, other than my own discomfort: he was very rude to other people, very inconsiderate of other people’s needs for space and comfort, and was just overall a very unpleasant person.

And fortunately, he is gone. He, as far as I know, moved to a different college.

But people only a few “degrees” off from him are still on campus and cause me a lot of stress. Even some of the people who enjoy my presence, input and opinion cause me this distress! They all do things that cause me to feel very uncomfortable and irritable. One of them is constantly combative with another person (who also bothers me), and frequently loses his temper too quickly. Another speaks in a very monotone voice with no raising or lowering of his voice. He likes to frequently “negate” things other people say, by bringing up something just to point out a flaw or issue with something someone else said. It’s very frustrating.

The person who bothers me the least is still bothersome because he often says very random, strange things, and sometimes acts in strange ways. He’s quiet usually, but when he’s not, it drives me a bit nuts. Out of the people who do cause me distress, I can handle him the best.

And it’s actually not just strangeness that gets to me: I have a friend who is very energetic, very eccentric, and very ridiculous, all to extremes, but I can handle him for some reason. Perhaps because I see him less than others.

But I’m really tired of it. My emotions are telling me to lock myself up in my dorm for weeks and be alone. I feel so much distress when I am around them.

And it’s not their fault. I’m not blaming them for anything. They are who they are. But I’m having a very difficult time handling this. It strikes a nerve very, very deep inside myself, one that’s surrounded by a great deal of pain and bad experiences.

I don’t know what to do…

Do I give up the people I’ve come to do things with in my college experiences because of this pain? Or do I keep experiencing the pain just to have people to do things with? Especially when they actually have never done anything antagonistic to me.

Familiarity breeds contempt…

I looked out this morning and the sun was gone
Turned on some music to start my day
I lost myself in a familiar song
I closed my eyes and I slipped away

It’s more than a feeling, when I hear that old song they used to play (more than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)
'Till I see Marianne walk away
I see my Marianne walkin’ away

So many people have come and gone
Their faces fade as the years go by
Yet I still recall as I wander on
As clear as the sun in the summer sky

It’s more than a feeling, when I hear that old song they used to play (more than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)
'Till I see Marianne walk away
I see my Marianne walkin’ away

When I’m tired and thinking cold
I hide in my music, forget the day
And dream of a girl I used to know
I closed my eyes and she slipped away
She slipped away

It’s more than a feeling, when I hear that old song they used to play (more than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)
'Till I see Marianne walk away

-More Than a Feeling
by Boston

Sometimes we do need to hit rock bottom to change and find the strength inside us to get better. Our pride stops us and makes us think we’re invincible, and ironically, that bravado makes us weak. No matter how strong we are, we can always be stronger with the help of others.